Everything Wrong With: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: Cinema Sins reviews Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the 2005 one). Spoilers! (DUH)


_Everything Wrong With  
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory  
Spoilers__!  
(__DUH)_

* * *

1. We already have two major Charlie and the Chocolate Factory adaptations before the book can hit public domain.

2. Well, three if you count the 2013 musical. But I don't. *ding* Oh, the sin counter does? F*ck that thing.

3. The intro with Wonka's factory being depicted as an ordinary factory is nice and all, until later in the movie when we figure out it's actually an amusement park.

4. "Main character watches the traffic" cliche.

5. The piece Charlie needs is _"a head for Willy Wonka",_ and in the end Charlie becomes the head... of the chocolate factory... whom Wonka needs.

6. Wait, so Charlie has a huge fascination with Wonka BEFORE he learns that his grandfather used to work for him?

7. Excuse me, how can a corner store be world famous?

8. Exactly how many houses had to be taken down for that factory to be built? And you'd better hope that the residents of those houses all got jobs for Wonka.

9. The chocolate castle melts in the sun, even though we clearly saw it being built in the sun and being fine earlier.

10. Why doesn't Wonka's factory actually work on improving the security of recipes, like Krusty Krab? That shop didn't have the Krabby Patty recipe stolen, no matter how persistent Plankton was.

11._ "Nothing's impossible, Charlie." "And indeed that very night, the impossible had already been set in motion." _No comment.

12. Adult men on motorcycles are able to exit Wonka's factory.

13. We interrupt this children's movie to bring you a documentary about consumerism.

14. Augustus and his family, despite being German, speak fluent English and even conduct interviews in English.

15. If one can almost eat a Golden Ticket, then surely one can open the Wonka bar with a Golden Ticket inside, fail to see the Golden Ticket, and throw the Wonka bar away.

16. It's pretty strange that all five Golden Tickets were found anyway, what with Charlie's showing up one day before the tour.

17. _"Only four golden tickets left."_ You know, just in case our audience is unable to count to five. Come to think of it, that's the exact same reason why my sin counter is ticking.

18. The nut-shelling employee finds a Golden Ticket and somehow Mr. Salt is right next to her when the big moment comes.

19. _"Daddy, I want another pony."_ "Daddy, I want a pony" cliche, upgraded.

20._ "It's my candy bar, and I'll do what I want with it."_ Obligatory Last Supper reference.

21. Somehow, Charlie evenly splits the chocolate bar between seven people, even though earlier... nevermind. Still, who designs chocolate bars to be 2 by 7?

22. "News straight from the trashcan" cliche.

23. So if Charlie can do his homework, why make him look illiterate by giving the newspaper to his dad?

24. Violet is able to take on and KO two adult men with black belts... while a piece of chewing gum is in her mouth. How come this doesn't come up again? I can totally see Grandpa Joe trying to take the three course meal chewing gum away from her, only to be KO'd seconds later. Except probably if Grandpa Joe was KO'd, he would also be dead, but that's irrelevant.

287. I just want to take one sin for every trophy/medal that this girl owns.

288. And one for the one her mother owns.

289. Chewing gum awards exist... at least in this movie.

290. Wait, so were they reading the newspaper or watching the television?

291. "Videogames are evil" cliche.

292._ "I don't know. I hate chocolate." _Then why did you decide to win a tour to a chocolate factory? For one, it'll make you leave your game.

291._ "Well, it's a good thing you're going to a CHOCOLATE FACTORY, you ungrateful little-"_ Actually, this was lampshaded, I take it back.

292. That has got to be the strangest way of censorship ever.

293. Mr. Bucket is fired, thus sending the family into even deeper poverty. Well, I don't know, ever heard of social security allowances?

294. Charlie is there to hear about the fifth ticket being found, yet still decides to buy a Wonka bar upon seeing a banknote...

295. ...only to find out that the fifth ticket is a fake. Well, ain't that stubbornness at its finest.

296. Also, how well do news like this spread? It was literally on the same walk; it's not entirely unreasonable that Charlie would hear about the fifth ticket being a fake FIRST and THEN about the supposedly "real" finding.

297. Also, why does he buy a Wonka bar upon seeing money? He could be buying food to support his family, or, y'know, actually giving the money to his family.

298. Oh, so he could get the Golden Ticket...

299. ...and be offered larger sums...

300. ...and almost accept them, at least until Grandpa George stops him.

301. Also, unless you've read the book and/or watched the 1971 film, you actually wouldn't know his name is George. Only the names of Grandpa Joe and Grandma Georgina make it in, and you have to wait for the latter until almost the very end.

302. Just to reiterate the point: Violet, Augustus, Veruca and Mike read their respective tickets themselves, while Charlie's is read by his father.

303. _"But that's tomorrow!"_ "Opportunity at the last moment" cliche.

304. How does Grandpa Joe stand up so quickly after being in bed for two decades?

305. Also, if the four grandparents do not get up at all, does that mean they... you know...

306. Just a last reminder before we go to Wonka's factory: Veruca is spoiled and impatient, Grandpa Joe used to work for Wonka and Violet is after the prize.

307. And Violet and Veruca have the hots for each other. Apparently two preteen lesbians are perfectly okay.

308. Well, how do we represent that Wonka is whimsical and unpredictable? By having an annoying song detract everyone, then having the puppets that sang the song blow up, and then showing he enjoyed the show? Didn't think so.

309._ "He's Willy Wonka!" "Really?"_ I'm with Charlie on this one.

310._ "Don't you want to know our names?" "Can't imagine how it wouldn't matter." _Friendly reminder that one of the children is going to run the factory.

311._ "Mr. Wonka, I'm Violet Beauregarde." "I'm Veruca Salt." "I'm Augustus Gloop." "You're Mike Teavee."_ In case you need recapping.

312._ "And you."_ ...except for Charlie's name, that is. You hear it at the beginning and then you hear it at the very end. That's it.

313. How come Wonka has trouble saying the word "parents" when he never had both parents to grow up with? Those flashbacks only show his dad, and clearly imply Wilbur's house was both a house and an office at the same time.

314. Are those amanitas? The movie is essentially teaching us to eat poisonous mushrooms.

315. Augustus drops the Wonka bar in excitement over the whole candyland...or is it just to show that Wonka bars are multilingual?

316._ "...but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies."_ But, you know, it's actually okay, from an objective point of view. It's just that you might be charged with murder. But go ahead. Eat Wonka.

317._ "Because then I wouldn't be a champion. I'd be a loser. Like you."_ Come on, Violet, you know literally nothing about Charlie. Maybe he's a bigger champion than you and you've insulted him.

318. Big eater cliche.

319. So not only do Violet and Veruca have the hots for each other, so do their parents.

320. Hold up, didn't Veruca have a mom? Looks like someone's getting a divorce.

321. So real places like Tokyo, Marrakesh, NYC, Dusseldorf, Buckingamshire, Atlanta and Denver do get cool flashing titles, but Loompaland doesn't? Or is it because we're in Wonka's mind?

322. Wonka was looking for exotic new flavors for his chocolate even though the factory was closed down?

323. And speaking of this, how did he even survive the downtime? Government officials must've been searching for a man who announced he disestablished his chocolate factory and then hid inside, and even then the supplies of food that is not candy are limited if not nonexistent.

324._ "I will even pay your wages in cocoa beans if you wish!"_ Even though, apparently, the cocoa beans are sacred to the Oompa-Loompas?

325. At least in this adaptation, Augustus is nowhere near the rest of the cast and can't be rescued like in the 1971 movie.

326. Wait, why design the chocolate to be mixed by a waterfall and distributed via inefficient pipes? To show off? No, because no one visits the factory. To enjoy the view of the Chocolate Room yourself? No, because most of the time you won't even be spending time in the Chocolate Room. In the end, the only answer is "for the Oompa-Loompas".

327. "Scenery provides rhythmic sounds" cliche.

328. When Augustus falls in the chocolate river and comes out, he's covered in chocolate. But when the Oompa-Loompas fall in the chocolate river and come out, they are unaffected?

329. Well, isn't that some good timing. The Oompa-Loompas finish singing just as Augustus is being shot up.

330._ "They do seem rather rehearsed." "Like they knew what was going to happen."_

331. So... the candy boat is edible too? As is the wood that the characters sit on?

330. Actually, nevermind, everything is edible if you try hard enough.

331. We interrupt Wonka's tour to bring you a child that wasn't allowed candy by his father.

332. Well, that's a nice update from the psychedelic candy boat trip from the 1971 movie.

333. Circular door cliche.

334. If there is no railing to step on, how did nine people make it through the circular door?

335._ (hairy Oompa-Loompa)_ Uhh...

336. Elaborate machine cliche.

337. Of course Violet takes it, even when she's warned that the mixture might be wrong and sees what could happen if things went wrong.

338. Well, actually, now that I think back to that hairy Oompa-Loompa, he isn't punished enough. You could just cut off his hair and he'd be just fine.

339._ "Violet, you're turning violet__!__"_

340. Violet has her watch on when she's watching the chewing gum machine but NOT when she's turning purple and all.

341. Spoiler warning: giant blueberry girl.

342. Trigger warning: giant blueberry girl.

343. Fetish warning: giant blueberry girl.

344. How did her clothes survive that?

345. Hell, how did her skin survive that?

346. You know, there should be a sin just for the fact that Roald Dahl thought: "You know what would make this children's book awesome? A human girl being filled with blueberry juice and thus becoming blue and round just like a giant blueberry." Is that a sin? *ding* Thank god, that's a sin.

347. There were twenty Oompa-Loompas who became blueberries before? Why not show at least one of them as a warning to Violet? Also, a blueberry Oompa-Loompa would give scale on how small Oompa-Loompas actually are.

348. Oh, because the plot needed Violet to take that piece of gum.

349. They're bouncing on Violet, even though that just might make her explode. Honestly, I'm sensing the "walking on a barrel" cliche.

350. Also, don't even ask me how they got Deep Roy on two Deep Roys on three Deep Roys to work.

351._ "Chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing all day long." _Wait, so what exactly does Violet do with her gum again?

352. Oh, that's why we needed circular doors. To strand giant blueberry girls inside them.

353. Q&A time!

354. We interrupt Wonka's tour to bring you the aforementioned child becoming addicted to candy.

355. "Business cards are irrelevant" cliche.

356. First Mr. Salt wonders if Wonka is using a machine to sort nuts, and then pretends he was thinking of the Oompa-Loompas?

357. I can totally imagine that during Wonka's factory's history, there was a squirrel who fell asleep on the big podium, only to be kicked by her colleagues into the incinerator.

358. Veruca just... went through the bars?

359. And yet adults like Wonka and Mr. Salt need keys to unlock the door.

360. Like daughter, like father.

361. So if you have the glass elevator, why did you need to walk when you lost the boat?

362. Also, what's the reasoning behind an elevator made of glass? I'm leaving that one up to you.

363. Wonka has a mountain inside the factory.

364. Brick joke about the puppets from the annoying song.

365. We interrupt Wonka's tour to show how the aforementioned child runs away from his father and travels the world... flag center and when he comes back, the father's house isn't there.

366. How did Wilbur move his entire house anyway? I call MCEdit.

367. Did Wonka have a flashback long enough for Mike to actually begin reading the elevator button names and finding "Television Room"?

368. Thus Spoke Zaratustra cliche.

369._ "It's a teleporter!"_ No, that would require all elements to be the same size.

370. Also, mind the square-cube law. Mike shouldn't have survived being transported via "television".

371. Breaking news: The Beatles were actually Oompa-Loompas.

372._ "It's teleVISION, not telePHONE."_ What kind of drugs does Wonka's logic run on?

373. Damn, Wonka, don't rip off Charlie's hand.

374. Also, suddenly Wonka begins calling Charlie by name.

375._ *thump*_

376. Why would you even press a button if it may kill you and your guests and you don't want them dead? For the show?

377. James Cameron called; they want Neytiri back to her little planet where she belongs.

378. Mike was brought from the Television Room to the taffy puller, stretched, and returned to the main entrance in three minutes flat.

379. What the f*ck is wrong with Charlie's neighborhood? There are typical houses, next to a Dickensian house, next to an aqueduct.

380. Well, next to a giant chocolate factory.

381. We barely survived the glass elevator breaking one ceiling. You know what that means? It's time for the glass elevator to break another ceiling!

382. Wonka even looks at Charlie's model of the chocolate factory.

383. Semi-annual haircut? To me, that hairstyle seems much harder to maintain.

384._ "I must find a... heir."_ Puns.

385. And Charlie doesn't accept the factory because... he loves his family. Got it.

386. "Obligatory "what happened to them afterwards" reel" cliche...

387. ...except we're not quite done with the movie, because apparently Wonka's plotline hasn't been resolved.

388. Newspaper headline does not match its content.

389. _"I do not!"_ "I am offended by the last one" cliche.

390. Wonka changes sunglass styles.

391. Exactly how coincidental it is that Wonka and Charlie met again?

392. Wonka is able to say _"family"_ and _"father" _but not "parents".

393._ *thump*_

394. Come on, no one noticed there was a glass elevator parked in the city? It's not even like it's invisible!

395. How did Wilbur survive? There's not exactly an abundance of people needing to visit the dentist's around here... or, y'know... ANY PEOPLE AT ALL?

396. Well, Wilbur hasn't truly forgotten his son. ...Cliche.

397._ "Unemployment rate drops as Wonka expands factory"_ Holy sh*t, Wonka's factory is that big to mess with the economy?

398. Also, aren't only certain groups of people eligible to work for Wonka? Oh, wait, Grandpa Joe's job was basically to walk around and taste Wonka's candy.

399. Isn't it strange that Wonka is around to visit the Buckets?

400. Charlie's grandparents are all out of their beds.

401. Wait for it... wait for it... BAM. Another house moving.

402. Snow on a liquid chocolate river.

403. Well, that's an interesting choice for a narrator.

404. And what better song to start the closing credits than that annoying song.

* * *

_Movie Sin Tally: 404  
Sentence: The Juicing Room_  
"They're gonna squeeze her. Like a little pimple."


End file.
